Deadpool movie review

DEADPOOL

Hey, thanks WordPress, you made me not appear on search engines so no one saw my goddamn amazing movie reviews, now that’s fixed I’ve returned with a tiny penis and a bitterness for life refreshed every time I open Reddit and see people jerking off to this goddamn movie.

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Story

**

Deadpool’s story should be summed up in 3 different summaries because it’s a complete fucking mess that doesn’t know what tone it should be aiming for. The first story is someone going to 4chan and picking random jokes and memes to spew at the audience. It’s like someone loaded a shotgun with jokes and decided to bukakke you with them, some are smart, some are dumb and some are just bland. But hey welcome to Deadpool 😄 so Random the super hero. This lasts for half the movie but is broken up by movie 2.

Movie 2 is about a hitman who does odd jobs for teenage girls so he can feel up their titties. He meets a hooker, lets her peg him and then goes to be tortured so he can become a super hero and cure his cancer. This is a good movie except the torture scenes drag on a little bit. It reminds me a lot of the early part of Fight Club and is what makes it worth watching if at all.

The third movie is cape shit. The last 20 minutes go full genetic cape movie and basically forget that Deadpool is the focus. Collosus and generic Russian woman steal the show. The fight scenes are some what impressive but it’s hard to tell where the CGI starts and stops.

So.. story is 😄 so random love story and then a generic Marvel ending, we good here?

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Effects

****

It’s really hard to fault Deadpool other than the fact that it abuses slow mo worse than The Matrix did. It looks good, it has some good action scenes but it’s full of Matrix slow down which while impressive back at the time, is now just done in CGI and loses it’s edge.

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Scare Factor

*****

Ryan Renalds is naked in it. Enough said.

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Plot

*****

Stan lee brings the strippers!

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Summary

*****

Deadpool is an incredibly overrated film that appeals to people who think they’re smarter than they are. Since I AM smarter than them I can see through their bullshit. I would put a witty remark here but Deadpool taught me that being quiet was better than jizzing out of date 90’s references all over the place.

Neil Breen’s Double Down (2005) review

Double Down movie review

Neil Breen is either a genius or a madman and I doubt the world will ever know which, but I stumbled across this on Instasync and I have to review it.

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Story

*****

Double down has a straight up 5 star story. I’ll try to explain it as best I can.

There is a man who is one of the best hackers in the world, he can start and stop wars, hack anything and his technology is so great he can be invisible and have a forcefield that kills any one who touches it. He lives out the back of a car/van/suv and wakes up in a pool of blood every morning when he’s not lonely just depressed and confused.

His wife is killed to make him a broken man so he will no longer take part in the hacker wars and fight the government (I think). So he has prepared 7 major catastrophes across the world that will trigger if he doesn’t send a secret encrypted code every day. He spends the opening half an hour monologging with the skeleton of his dead wife, who’s ghost may or may not be visiting him.

Then he joins the CIA/FBI/something as a secret operative who has to kill a guy’s wife to spook him out of fighting in the hacker war. He gets the wrong couple as they come out of a church and then finds the correct couple had both shot themselves in the forehead to avoid what he was going to do to them (kill them).

Double Down is completely impossible to follow, it is beyond impossible to follow even. He has some sort of psychotic episode and gives up on the hacker war, helps the president, FBI and CIA to fix the stuff when he no longer seconds the fail safe code and says he loves America. Then he runs down a hill screaming how much he loves America and goes on a drug trip or something.

I seriously cannot explain Double Down. Any time you think you have a grasp on it something happens to completely shake it. It’s not even “so bad, it’s good”, it’s simply “So bad, I am disturbingly confused and must watch more”.

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Effects

???

If you like stock footage of Las Vegas then you will probably like Double Down. It also uses stock footage of a building burning.

He has laptops and 2005 cell phones. I don’t know what to tell you.. He wrenches a satellite dish to his car?

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Scare Factor

???

Double Down is scary because it emulates having your brain consumed by acid.

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Plot

???

There is a woman who is basically naked, but you will be looking at the main character/director/sound man/writer’s nutsack the entire time.

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Summary

???

I don’t even know how to rate Double Down, it is so utterly bizarre that I want to put it up here just to make a record of it’s existence. Please watch it, I must not suffer alone with the 1 and a half guys who watched it with me on instasynch.

Buy it here

IMBD link

Neil Breen’s Twitter account

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Ash VS Evil Dead episode 5 Review- Kelly has Tititus.

Ash VS Evil Dead Episode 5

We’ve back for another week of Ash VS Evil Dead and this time we have a very simple episode to wrap up the current story arc.

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Bruce Campbell has an amazing sex chin.

Story

*

We enter the world of Ash VS Evil Dead to find Ash is now tied up, while Jew girl (Kelly) is free and telling the usual Jewish lies. Pablo (Mexican-not-a-mexican) and Kelly (Jew girl) then wander off to Ash’s trailer while Pablo’s uncle performs juju to exorcise Ash.

While inside Kelly (Jew Girl) starts raiding Ash’s trailer for booze when she stumbles across some weed and some massive condoms. Jew Girl (Kelly) decides to steal Ash’s hard earned pot and smoke it but can’t find a pipe. Pablo is sent off to find one, while his uncle proceeds to wave chickens at Ash and do the whole exorcism thing. Not quite sure why since I’ve seen quite a few documentaries on curing homosexuality and I was under the impression this was a demon, not HIV.

When Pablo returns, he finds Jew girl (Kelly) with ash’s boomstick in her face using it as a bong, making the audience wish she was using live ammo instead of pot. Kelly (Jew Girl) then proceeds to act like a complere whore (well nothing new there folks). This then leads to a game of “how annoying we can make Pablo” as he finds every way to be annoying and not smoke. This ultimately leads to the Deadite inside Kelly (Jew girl) to attempt to shoot him with the boomstick as he does take a puff.

Ash, now being cured of his homosexuality that he never had bites through his gag, tells Pablo’s uncle the truth and they rush to the trailer to find a possessed Kelly (Jew girl) acting like a bitch (not much different here either). At which point they some how tie her to a farm vehicle and proceed to exorcise her.

Nothing works, Jew girl (Kelly) just acts like her usual trampy self and pisses all over herself. So Pablo getting frustrated rushes off with his uncle and decides to offer himself as a new host for the demon inside. The demon taking the bait proceeds to crawl out of Jew girl (Kelly)’s mouth and attack Pablo, Ash and Pablo’s uncle.

Pablo’s uncle gets impaled on a spike and dies, while Ash figures out if he just doesn’t think, he can kill the mind reading demon. Ash proceeds to blow it’s head off and everyone gets covered in more goo than Jew girl (Kelly) does at her average casting call.

The gang then proceed to burn Pablo’s uncle’s body, giving him his first taste of fire in his backwards society, then a pendant magically flies out and lands at Pablo’s feet. At which point his dead uncle proceeds to say shit, in a language no one fucking speaks and isn’t subtitled. Someone might want to inform the Mexican-not-mexicans that if they expect representation in media, they should learn to speak the broadcasting language!

As Pablo walks away the various totems burst into flames, burning the best set in this low budget series so far. Inside the trailer Ash is presented with his new robot hand and flips off Pablo, something we’ve all been craving since the start of this cringe worthy episode.

There is also a scene with Lucy Lawless and Token Black Cop, it’s entirely pointless and wastes time. It’s most notable feature is exceptionally bad green screen because they didn’t want to take the token extras to the actual set they were filming on in the middle of bum fuck no where.

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If you hire someone this ugly, you just remove her make up to save on special effects.

Effects

****

There isn’t really much to say here. Other than taking off Kelly (Jew girl)’s make up, it’s the standard Ash VS Evil Dead special effects we’ve been seeing. Nothing new was used here, because it’s the final chapter of this arc and it’s been standard since the first episode. I can’t fault it, but it is what it is.

There is some low quality green screen, but it only lasts a couple of seconds and is already in an immersion breaking scene, so doesn’t really hurt it any.

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This is what a fister looks like.

Scare Factor

*

If you find Jewish tits scary then you will have some scares here, other wise.. no. Jew Girl (Kelly) taking off her make up to show her true looks under it, is almost scary, but then you remember this is 2015 and we’re supposed to be accepting and inclusive.

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Put a shirt on please. No one wants to see that.

Plot

**

After the puking fetish of last week, we have the water sports fetish this week. Jew girl (Kelly) wets herself during the exorcism and has her boobs on display for 90% of the episode. On top of spreading her legs and trying to act sexy with a shotgun between them, you get an idea where this is going. If you can look past her huge nose and weird face, I guess this is the best action you’re going to see out of Ash VS Evil Dead. I guess bra shots are a step up from Token Cop Lady wearing a tight shirt if you swing towards lizard people I suppose.

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Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger! Pull the trigger!

Summary

***

I can’t decide if I want to call this episode bland or average. It is mostly a filler episode and could have easily been entirely avoided just by rearranging last weeks episode and this one. I have a bad feeling this is going to set a precedent and we’re going to see more short acts with shallow content to pad out the original movie script into a TV series. I hope that we’re not going to see more than one season of this if that’s the path they take. As a novelty it holds up, as an engaging TV series, it has started to fold.

Ash VS Evil Dead Website

Ash VS Evil Dead Twitter

Ash VS Evil Dead IMBD page

Evil Dead Trilogy Boxset

ThanksKilling movie review

ThanksKilling (2009) review

It’s the day after thanks giving and I live in a country that doesn’t celebrate it. So what a better time to review ThanksKilling then right now? That’s right, absolutely any other time by any other person!

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This is the true villain of ThanksKilling.

Story

*

ThanksKilling opens on a middle age porn star with saggy boobs running through a public park. Falling over a few times while the camera focuses on her droopy tits and then a turkey hand puppet lifting an axe.. This is the quality we’re going for, this is what I saw and thought “wow, this is the way I want to spend an hour of my life”. This is why I drink..

Two Bimbos, a Jock, a Nerd and a Fat Guy are on the last leg of a road trip to get home for Thanks giving when they decide to act as much like aliens as they possibly can. The acting must be brought up to understand why this film is as bad/good as it is. It’s terrible, it’s so terrible I’m almost positive they are self aware in how bad it is. It’s not like an Asylum film, which is just milking the genre, it’s like… legit B movie terrible due to low budgets, not trying to be low budget.

We’re then treated to a dog pissing on a $2 toy Indian totem toy, which proceeds to revive the Turkey that rips a dog’s guts out while making a pun about being pissed on. Almost as if someone wrote a list of puns and then wrote a film around them (this is the truth).

The generic teenager cast decides to camp out for the night and a hill billy (who’s dog just got murdered) warns them there is a serial killing turkey hanging around. They decide to laugh it off and say it’s stupid, except the Nerd who proceeds to turn on a cartoon montage for a 505 year old Turkey. Said Turkey comes back every 505 years to kill Pilgrims and their descends (of which one of them is) to enact revenge for something or other. Basically Indians knew voodoo, this Turkey is the result of that. And his name is Turkie because fuck you, have another pun.

One of the Bimbos call their Dad and tells him they’re going to camp over night and we get a scene where it’s revealed he’s a sheriff and his wife wants a FUCKING DIVORCE so bad that she decides to literally shit in his coffee. Or that may have been earlier in the script, it’s all so painful, I’m struggling to piece this together.

The morning after we see Turkie jacking a car from a guy, who he makes call his daughter before he blows his head off and some sheep look shocked. How the fuck a turkey puppet drives a car I do not know, but apparently this one can use a gun, swing an axe and has a dick the size of a human, so lets not question it too much.

They then arrive at one of the Bimbo’s house and 2 of them decide to fuck. The Turkey turns up, makes some awful puns and then kills the dude and proceeds to fuck the girl. He finishes fucking her, she turns around and he makes more puns as he breaks her neck. Are you seeing a pattern yet? The story is entirely worthless, the characters are stupid and bland, but Turkie is very slightly amusing.

Turkie then proceeds to visit the sheriff’s house and pretend to be a midget friend of his daughter. They have a chat back and forth about being a midget until the Turkey gets sick of him and decides to kill him.

The surviving generic characters (I don’t even remember who and I have the movie to reference as I write this) turn turn up to his house. The Turkey answers the door and no one notices that the Turkey is wearing the sheriff’s face as a mask. They do stuff until Fat guy discovers Turkie dragging the sheriff’s corpse across the garage floor.

Fat guy and Nerd guy are totally best friends forever and when Nerd guy finds Fat guy’s corpse he can’t believe he’s in a film as shitty as ThanksKilling and decides to have a montage about how much better the past was. Then gets serious and decides they have to learn to kill this Turkey by reading books.

The books say the Turkey has an amulet, if you can steal it you can kill him. The kids figure out the way to find the Turkey is to go to his teepee because if he isn’t killing, that’s where he will be (someone please kill me). They tie him up with meat tying string and steal his bling. The Red Neck then turns up and blows the Turkey’s face off bringing the movie to a close and killing him, if we lived in a world of mercy and God. But we don’t, Turkie survives because they didn’t perform the ritual properly.

The turkey then returns with a god awful zombie green nuclear glow about it and proceeds to kill stuff until they perform the ritual correctly and ThanksKilling is thankfully over and done with. Except it’s not, because it ends with a stinger about a sequel being made, which they never intended to make, but then made 2 fucking more.

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Hey Sheriff.

Effects

**

The Turkey puppet is actually pretty good for a movie that cost 3.5k to make, but everything else is basically shit. While Turkie is not really exceptional in any way, it fits the role it needs to perform and well… fuck. I don’t even know where to go with this.

If the Turkey puppet was used to make a Youtube series, it would very quickly become popular. The puns are spot on and the voice fits the way the puppet works.

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Turkie looks pretty cool when you light him in this exact way. Why does he have teeth?

Scare Factor

No, just fucking no. The Turkey is about as scary as late Freddy Krueger is. There is a point where they become walking jokes and the Turkey always was a walking joke. The scariest thing is Wanda Lust’s saggy tits flopping around in a Pilgrim outfit.

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Bestiality, there is no a because we all know it’s the best.

Plot

*

The first 2 minutes are straight up MI(not)LF tits from Wanda Lust. After that you have one bra shot of one of the bimbos and a fully clothed sex scene which ends in bestiality. This gives ThanksKilling a single star for plot, because it has boobs. But the quality of those boobs vary greatly and both appear in the first 5 minutes.

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This is what a furry thinks life is like

Summary

**

ThanksKilling is a movie where you wonder how the fuck it became popular. It’s so bad it’s not good, but it’s also not offensively bad. If you’re looking for a drinking game movie then ThanksKilling is perfect. The booze will lessen the blow from the movie it’s self and it’s camp and stupid enough to enable you to get completely shit faced.

The entire time I watched it, I was trying to figure out if it was self aware or not, but then I read the IMDB page which lists that they have the catch phrase and built a movie around it, so I suspect that it is self aware. Not that this makes the movie any better, it’s basically a furry version of one of the later Nightmare on Elm Streets. Take it for what it is and you might have a good time, go in expecting anything more and you will be glad it only lasts an hour.

ThanksKilling IMDB Page

Buy ThanksKilling on Amazon

Ash VS Evil Dead – Episode 4 Review

Ash VS Evil Dead Episode 4 Review

Another week and another episode of Ash VS Evil Dead. I’m going to try and find a show to cover weekly to go along with the movie reviews, so expect more of these in the future!

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Story

**

Lucy Lawless and Token black cop lady agree to work together to find Ash, they have Ash’s hand from Evil Dead 2 and want to use it to track him. I saved you 5 minutes of your life, because no one cares about Token black cop.

Mean while Ash, Kelly (Jew girl) and Pablo (Not-a-Mexican-Mexican) are on the way to Pablo’s family estate when Kelly starts puking out the car window. She’s looks pretty ill and Ash gets quite upset that his really nice and totally well maintained car now has sick on it instead of just inside it. Throw in a token car loan repayment joke and you almost have a scene worthy of a third generation American Pie movie

Shit starts to go funny with the radio, so Ash beats his car like he will minority escorts if they ever step out of line. So of course it’s time for that incredibly over used camera on rails shot that Sam Raimi likes to use when dealing with Bruce Campbell’s chin. So WOOSH, look at the spooky lower budget video we’re shooting until Ash figures out The Mummy is chasing them and Brendan Fraser can’t help because he’s working 3 jobs already to pay his Alimony.

Ash reveals he has a nitro fitted to his car after another car gets wrecked by the wall of evil sand following them and makes his bus boy push it, only for it to almost immediately run out of fuel. But just in the knick of time they get onto Pablo’s estate, where evil cannot trespass because Sid from Toy Story now lives there.

Pablo’s creepy shamn uncle gives them all a look over, while Jew girl (Kelly) goes off to talk to the mannequin head totems. Ash is declared to be a potential hero if only he wasn’t fat and lazy, so he might just stand a chance at fighting evil. This then leads to Ash being taken into the creepy uncle’s magical voodoo hut where he is drugged up, just like you would expect.

Ash is now stuck in his own subconscious and spends most of his time on a peer near Jacksonville. It’s trippy as fuck, it’s really weird and going into details will ruin the mind fuckary, so I’m passing on that.

Pablo and Kelly (Jew girl) are working on building Ash a new robot hand, when Kelly looks in the mirror and remembers she’s possessed by the mind fuck demon from the previous episode. Pablo then calls his uncle out which Kelly finds useful to go and mind fuck Ash by sitting on his face. This leads Ash to putting her in her place and choking the bitch while he hallucinates his eyes are sown shut.

Pablo and his creepy uncle return and Ash stops choking Jew girl (Kelly) and everything is suddenly okay and great because it’s the end of the episode and all the interesting stuff is done.

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Effects

****

The sets for this episode are fantastic. The toy totems are actually rather creepy and give the place an uncomfortable feel. I’ve been to similar places in real life and the complete lack of life and weird totems set a great scene. The practical effects are still pretty good and the Mind fuck demon works well in the scenes it’s in. Less gore this episode, but the Jacksonville neon 80’s look more than made up for it.

The green screen works well and the melting and blurry vision that lead up to heavy use of it are very 80s. The CGI of this episode was improved greatly over the first when the doll creature returns in Ash’s nightmare world and doesn’t look entirely out of place. The eye pop hitting the screen was weird, as if shot for 3D, stands out a bit but I don’t think the series wants to be 3D even if it could afford it.

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Scare Factor

**

The scarecrows and Mind fuck monster are both pretty creepy but it’s just not a scary show in general. They throw in a couple of jump scares which gets old really fast with how close together they are, but the biggest thing in the episode is the set.

Ash VS Evil Dead’s sets are all pretty damn impressive, but the creepy totems and trailer stand out as exceptional even by those standards. It’s almost uncomfortable and weird, because they take normal toys and put them with good lighting to make them look sinister. The mask with the candle in it was especially good.

It’s probably the scariest episode so far, but has over comedic elements to balance it out. It missed the tone of Evil Dead 2, but it worked for what it was. I would like to see less comedy and more horror as it continues.

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Plot

If you’re into girls puking then you might like this, depends if you can look past the giant nose.

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Summary

****

By far the best episode of Ash VS Evil Dead so far. It’s starting to become more horror focused and the plot is moving along. The series has been suffering with slow pacing for a while now and I suspect that’s because it was originally a movie.

My only concern is I don’t like them bringing Ash’s hand back, it’s annoying when they take stuff that’s fine where it is and mess with it. Ash’s hand being gone really didn’t matter and giving it to Lucy Lawless is just a pointless excuse to make it attack Ash again.

I look forward to seeing where they take the Necromonicon plot though. It looks like Ash has to bury it again at the cabin where they found it. It will be interesting if they go to the original cabin or the remake cabin. It would be the cross over we keep hearing rumours about, which I wouldn’t object to. I liked The Evil Dead and if you can ignore the obvious PC pandering (all the women are competent but none of the men are? Strange..) Ash VS Evil Dead isn’t the worst series in the world.

Ash VS Evil Dead Website

Ash VS Evil Dead Twitter

Ash VS Evil Dead IMBD page

Evil Dead Trilogy Boxset

Ash VS Evil Dead Boxset (coming soon)

Chopping Mall Movie Review

Chopping Mall (1986)

Have you ever been in that sticky situation of being caught in a mall after closing because you were having an orgy in the bed store? Probably not because no one opens a fucking bed store in a mall and if you had the choice between getting laid or watching a giant crab movie on VHS you wouldn’t be getting your dick wet.

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Story

***

Chopping Mall’s story is rather shallow but that’s one of it’s perks. For the sake of a complete review, I’ll include the usual story run down but don’t expect any deep philosophy here.

After a swanky presentation, that for some strange reason was shut in extactly the same mall. They install a new security where Protector robots (with lasers) patrol the mall. These robots, armed with lasers and military grade armour are supposed to roll around performing sci fi drive bys on any one without an identity card after it closes. Whoever the fuck thought this was a good idea was a complete retard, but the only way this can make sense to me is if it was the Robocop universe, so while watching this I used that context.

Shortly after coming online a protector drives up behind the science man and shoots him with a tazer, ignoring his identity card and starting the killing spree. While this is going on 3 couples decide the movie needs some tits, so taking separate beds in the store and start fucking. The remaining couple is a geek and a girl next door type, who is clearly in the mood for something more than giant crab movies. Unfortunately for her (and maybe him), the geek is far more interested in the giant fictional crabs than catching hers.

Of course Billy’s grumpy old friend from Gremlins is here and after surviving the Gargoyle Gremlin he’s about to have another shitty time. Janitor man is happily working away when suddenly a protector rolls up to him like he’s a goddamn ninja. Quite how a robot with a car engine in it sneaks up on someone I’m not sure, but none the less it does. In an act of extreme intimidation it then proceeds to push over a bucket of dirty water. Then just to show this meat bag his place, the Protector shoots his tazer over the man’s shoulder into the water. Now shit is on and the janitor decides it’s time to fight, picks up his mop and promptly gets electrocuted. With electric effects that look like someone tried to draw tinsel in MS paint settles us in for an amazing 80’s robot rampage.

The protectors are now on a robot killing spree with no off button so one of the girls decides she needs some cigarettes and being the complete bitch she is, she decides it has to be her brand. Her beta boyfriend then proceeds to go get her some smokes from a vending machine only to find one of the protectors with a stun dart and a desire to rip his throat out. Quite how a robot with a claw cuts this guys throat I will never know, but that’s another kill for team robot and that’s all that matters.

Smoking bimbo then decides to go find her human dildo and gives us some nice ass waddling before she finds him dead in a dark alley in the mall. This then turns into Scooby doo with the Protectors and the soon to be armed teenagers. With pistols, assault rifles, exploding propane canisters and paint they fight the protectors and try to escape alive. I would explain more of the plot, but there isn’t any after this, people die, people run and hide. It’s hard to even give a fuck because it is entirely shallow. Not in a bad way but in a “it doesn’t get in the way” way. I would probably struggle to put scenes in order if I was given them separately as even cast members dying doesn’t stand out compared to how cool the protectors are.

Chopping-mall-protector

Effects

*****

Explaining why Chopping Mall’s effects are so enjoyable is very difficult. The Protectors look goofy, the effects are 80’s generic lasers in most cases and the practical effects are incredibly goofy. Yet I found them to be charming as fuck. The goofiness works to the films advantage, in that you’re constantly waiting to see what they will do with these amazing little robots. While each doesn’t have a personality, as a group they have a great character. The V8 engines and the speed they drive them round the mall gives them a real nippy feel. Add on the insane amount of lazer spam in every fight and it quickly becomes so over the top you have to just go with it and enjoy.

Beyond the Protectors the effects are really over the top when you consider this film is so low budget they advertise who did the lighting for the film and give you an address to write to at the end. When they blow up a store front or turn half the mall into a smoky ruin, you have to have some respect for that. These are definitely not professional, but that is what adds to the charm of it.

Overall the effects are the reason to watch this film. There is very little here you couldn’t do for your youtube series these days. Maybe the high explosives would be an issue, but for someone making cheap online movies, this would be great inspiration. Definitely worth a look even if your’re not in the mood for a B movie.

Chopping-mall-cast

Scare Factor

It’s not even slightly scary. The tone tries to be dark but it comes off with a tone similar to Maniac Mansion. It’s a bit weird, almost uncomfortable but it never pushes it. It’s one of the reasons I compared it to Robocop’s universe. Even though Robocop is ultra violent (this is less so), it’s not really scary, uncomfortable maybe but not scary. Chopping mall fits that same so over the top it becomes parody. Which isn’t to say the violence is over the top in any way, it’s just when you see a Protector gunning it down a hall shooting lasers every where, it’s very.. Detriot.

Chopping-mall-ass-shot

Plot

***

Multiple sets of titties and a good minute long shot of a hoe in her panties. The film opens with basically an orgy and all the female cast except one getting topless. In some cases even multiple times. I would say this is good Plot but none of them are especially appealing and the later personalities run any fun that may have come from this.

Chopping-mall-robot-janitor

Summary

****

Chopping Mall is far more than the sum of it’s parts. I had tried to watch it once before and quickly lost interest, but when I saw it was streaming on an instasynch channel I jumped right in and I’m glad I did. It’s focused enough not to out stretch it’s boundaries, while still being silly enough to hit the B movie mark. Killer robot slasher flicks are exactly what B movies were made to be, with bad acting and silly props that you just accept are high tech killing machines come as part of the package.

While I don’t think Chopping Mall is the movie you introduce the B movie genre with, I think it’s in the first 10 movies you watch together. It’s the perfect film to grab some pop corn, a couple of beers and sit back with friends while talking non-sense. The Protectors are on screen an extraordinary amount for the budget and the characters are generic enough that you won’t get invested in them enough to care if you talk over them.

If you’re looking for a movie to be the middle of your B movie night, Chopping Mall is for you. It’s silly, charming and just dumb enough that you will walk away wanting more V8 robot massacres.

IMBD link

Chopping Mall on DVD

Chopping Mall on DVD in an 8 pack

November 20th Weekly New horror DVD Releases

We’ll never have Paris

In a story based on true events, Quinn (Simon Helberg) has been in a devoted relationship with Devon (Melanie Lynskey) for several years, and is ready to propose marriage until a gorgeous blonde co-worker reveals her love for him. Quinn immediately has second thoughts about matrimony and ends up terminating his relationship with his long-time better half. After a brief relationship with the blonde, Quinn quickly realizes he’s made the mistake of a lifetime, so he sets off to Paris, where his one and only true love has moved, to win her back.

This is basically Bazinga the movie. This week there isn’t very much coming out that isn’t Christmas focused, so I picked the most horrifying thing I could. It’s movies like this which makes me glad Western civilization is collapsing, when bazoomba actors escape their containment, nuking from orbit is our only option.

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IMBD

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Bloodsucking Bastards

An action-packed horror comedy, BLOODSUCKING BASTARDS stars Fran Kranz as Evan, a dutiful and overworked employee stuck at a soul-killing corporation with his beautiful co-worker and girlfriend Amanda (Emma Fitzpatrick) and his slacker best friend Tim (Joey Kern). Evans world begins to crumble when Amanda dumps him and his boss Ted (Joel Murray) hands his coveted promotion to his nemesis Max (Pedro Pascal). When his office mates start going through disturbing changes, Evan must find a way to stop the evil brewing amidst the cubicles, and rescue his workplace pals before his life and career go from dead-end… to just dead.

If Adam Sandler made Shaun of the dead this is pretty much what you would get. The trailer had me wanting it to end faster than Bazongo up there. Maybe it’s because I don’t find boring straight laced men in a comedy setting to be funny, but this trailer just lacked any impact. The jokes were already dated with references to Shake weights and Red bull, and there wasn’t any plot to hook me. Basically the boss is a vampire and kills people, here’s a slow unfunny build up to the three normal people who have personal conflict coming together to kill them in a 10 minute low budget fight scene. At least in Bajingo you can hope Howard breaks his neck.

Official

IMBD

Buy on Blu Ray

What an absolutely miserable week. It’s all Christmas movies and dead summer movies crawling out from behind Jurassic World’s shadow.