ThanksKilling (2009) review
It’s the day after thanks giving and I live in a country that doesn’t celebrate it. So what a better time to review ThanksKilling then right now? That’s right, absolutely any other time by any other person!
This is the true villain of ThanksKilling.
ThanksKilling opens on a middle age porn star with saggy boobs running through a public park. Falling over a few times while the camera focuses on her droopy tits and then a turkey hand puppet lifting an axe.. This is the quality we’re going for, this is what I saw and thought “wow, this is the way I want to spend an hour of my life”. This is why I drink..
Two Bimbos, a Jock, a Nerd and a Fat Guy are on the last leg of a road trip to get home for Thanks giving when they decide to act as much like aliens as they possibly can. The acting must be brought up to understand why this film is as bad/good as it is. It’s terrible, it’s so terrible I’m almost positive they are self aware in how bad it is. It’s not like an Asylum film, which is just milking the genre, it’s like… legit B movie terrible due to low budgets, not trying to be low budget.
We’re then treated to a dog pissing on a $2 toy Indian totem toy, which proceeds to revive the Turkey that rips a dog’s guts out while making a pun about being pissed on. Almost as if someone wrote a list of puns and then wrote a film around them (this is the truth).
The generic teenager cast decides to camp out for the night and a hill billy (who’s dog just got murdered) warns them there is a serial killing turkey hanging around. They decide to laugh it off and say it’s stupid, except the Nerd who proceeds to turn on a cartoon montage for a 505 year old Turkey. Said Turkey comes back every 505 years to kill Pilgrims and their descends (of which one of them is) to enact revenge for something or other. Basically Indians knew voodoo, this Turkey is the result of that. And his name is Turkie because fuck you, have another pun.
One of the Bimbos call their Dad and tells him they’re going to camp over night and we get a scene where it’s revealed he’s a sheriff and his wife wants a FUCKING DIVORCE so bad that she decides to literally shit in his coffee. Or that may have been earlier in the script, it’s all so painful, I’m struggling to piece this together.
The morning after we see Turkie jacking a car from a guy, who he makes call his daughter before he blows his head off and some sheep look shocked. How the fuck a turkey puppet drives a car I do not know, but apparently this one can use a gun, swing an axe and has a dick the size of a human, so lets not question it too much.
They then arrive at one of the Bimbo’s house and 2 of them decide to fuck. The Turkey turns up, makes some awful puns and then kills the dude and proceeds to fuck the girl. He finishes fucking her, she turns around and he makes more puns as he breaks her neck. Are you seeing a pattern yet? The story is entirely worthless, the characters are stupid and bland, but Turkie is very slightly amusing.
Turkie then proceeds to visit the sheriff’s house and pretend to be a midget friend of his daughter. They have a chat back and forth about being a midget until the Turkey gets sick of him and decides to kill him.
The surviving generic characters (I don’t even remember who and I have the movie to reference as I write this) turn turn up to his house. The Turkey answers the door and no one notices that the Turkey is wearing the sheriff’s face as a mask. They do stuff until Fat guy discovers Turkie dragging the sheriff’s corpse across the garage floor.
Fat guy and Nerd guy are totally best friends forever and when Nerd guy finds Fat guy’s corpse he can’t believe he’s in a film as shitty as ThanksKilling and decides to have a montage about how much better the past was. Then gets serious and decides they have to learn to kill this Turkey by reading books.
The books say the Turkey has an amulet, if you can steal it you can kill him. The kids figure out the way to find the Turkey is to go to his teepee because if he isn’t killing, that’s where he will be (someone please kill me). They tie him up with meat tying string and steal his bling. The Red Neck then turns up and blows the Turkey’s face off bringing the movie to a close and killing him, if we lived in a world of mercy and God. But we don’t, Turkie survives because they didn’t perform the ritual properly.
The turkey then returns with a god awful zombie green nuclear glow about it and proceeds to kill stuff until they perform the ritual correctly and ThanksKilling is thankfully over and done with. Except it’s not, because it ends with a stinger about a sequel being made, which they never intended to make, but then made 2 fucking more.
The Turkey puppet is actually pretty good for a movie that cost 3.5k to make, but everything else is basically shit. While Turkie is not really exceptional in any way, it fits the role it needs to perform and well… fuck. I don’t even know where to go with this.
If the Turkey puppet was used to make a Youtube series, it would very quickly become popular. The puns are spot on and the voice fits the way the puppet works.
Turkie looks pretty cool when you light him in this exact way. Why does he have teeth?
No, just fucking no. The Turkey is about as scary as late Freddy Krueger is. There is a point where they become walking jokes and the Turkey always was a walking joke. The scariest thing is Wanda Lust’s saggy tits flopping around in a Pilgrim outfit.
Bestiality, there is no a because we all know it’s the best.
The first 2 minutes are straight up MI(not)LF tits from Wanda Lust. After that you have one bra shot of one of the bimbos and a fully clothed sex scene which ends in bestiality. This gives ThanksKilling a single star for plot, because it has boobs. But the quality of those boobs vary greatly and both appear in the first 5 minutes.
This is what a furry thinks life is like
ThanksKilling is a movie where you wonder how the fuck it became popular. It’s so bad it’s not good, but it’s also not offensively bad. If you’re looking for a drinking game movie then ThanksKilling is perfect. The booze will lessen the blow from the movie it’s self and it’s camp and stupid enough to enable you to get completely shit faced.
The entire time I watched it, I was trying to figure out if it was self aware or not, but then I read the IMDB page which lists that they have the catch phrase and built a movie around it, so I suspect that it is self aware. Not that this makes the movie any better, it’s basically a furry version of one of the later Nightmare on Elm Streets. Take it for what it is and you might have a good time, go in expecting anything more and you will be glad it only lasts an hour.
ThanksKilling IMDB Page
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